The phrase ‘letting go’ can trigger emotions and flip any of us into reactive mode instantly and I feel I have misunderstood the term for many years.
When I first moved here I thought the butterfly planting boxes needed painting and I ordered some paint online. When it arrived I looked at the colour (which was not as expected), checked in with my creative daughter on a video call and she agreed that it was way off being a natural colour. I had thought of a pale sky blue and this was an ‘in your face’ bright blue. So, I let the planters be, discovered some trays of geraniums and busy lizzies in a local supermarket for a bargain price, weeded the planters, turned the coir matting around, added some new compost that a previous neighbour had kindly left behind and planted them up. Thrushes and blackbirds have been borrowing some of the coir matting for their nests and the geraniums are shooting up to share their blooms with my lovely neighbours.
A few weeks after moving home my Dad asked how my earnings were going in my new home and if my previous streams of income were still running? My reply was a bit vague and I had to admit I wasn’t sure how things would pan out. I had a deep knowing that all was well, yet I couldn’t explain it in practical terms. I knew I needed to create a new web site with every service and product I offered on it and the work I did for a writing agency based in London needed pondering on, but beyond that the picture wasn’t clear.
I let go of any expectations on outcome, trusted my inner knowing and set about understanding the technology I needed to learn to create a new site.
In the midst of this there were other forms of ‘letting go’ rising up. My first husband from forty years ago got in touch for a catch-up, which is what we did. In the process, letting go of perceptions of the people we were all those years ago and allowing space for the people we are now. An old boyfriend called after a few years of silence and we also had a catch-up. At the end of the call, he wanted to meet and I declined, as nothing has changed for him. I saw a cycle of the same old patterns repeating which does not honour either of us. His call stirred up some emotional dust within and I found myself thinking of past hurts during that relationship.
‘Thanks for breaking my long held pattern of romantic rescuing.’ I said to him in my head each time I caught myself dwelling on an old memory.
That choice and action gifted me a ‘letting go’ and I realised I had held the expectation that one day he would apologise. Regardless of whether that happens or not, the memories have stopped rising up.
With my work, the web site is up and running, which is a joy. It has also attracted interest in an unexpected way and I have been asked to create a web site for an event and project that holds much heart importance for those involved. I am also flowing with the editing and structure of a manuscript that is a life’s work for another soul and so much a part of him, that I am humbled each time we flow together. I have been too busy to work for the agency in London, which is purely commission based, and ‘out of the blue’ an agency in Europe has suggested I work for them writing articles and they will pay on a ‘per article’ basis.
At a weekend retreat ten years ago, I entered into a debate with a Reiki master, as she insisted that unless we clearly visualised the outcomes we wanted, things could not come into being. I shared that I felt the energy of expectations could block all sorts of things from coming into being, whereas if we focussed on feelings, rather than actual pictures, it allowed life to flow and manifest in a different way. There is no right or wrong here, however, as I trust the knowing within, I ponder on the energy of feelings from where we are now, as we create the new and then go on to live with the outcomes of our choices.