There is a lot going on for everyone and our postbag reflects this. We also have the run-up to Christmas time starting, and that adds to the general nutty hubbub. It can so easily get out of hand and feels like an additional battle to keep things simple and loving. Tim and I hope you are all managing to stay grounded and managing to find some peaceful space during your days. We have highlighted two questions and privately replied to the rest.
My husband has a new friend, and they spend a lot of time together. He also talks about him a lot. I feel left out and ashamed for feeling like this. Can you help? HG, Perth, Australia
Tim: Talk to him. Explain how you feel.
Jane: Hello HG, shame grows in silence, so please talk to him. If he has got swept away with the excitement of a new friend, then he may not realise how you feel. A gentle approach, where he doesn’t feel accused of doing anything wrong, will stop his possible guilt from being added to this mix. Plan a romantic time together, just the two of you, and try asking him open questions about how his new friendship makes him feel. Understanding what his friend is bringing into his life will help you to find a way to show him you need to feel special to him too.
I have caught my best friend out in a lie. It’s not the first time this has happened. When I asked her if she said this, she denied all knowledge of it and says I must have got it wrong. Her lies are causing trouble and I have enough to deal with right now, so I don’t know how to get her to stop. FD, Bristol
Tim: Is it upsetting you? Do you need her in your life? Time to move on?
Jane: Hello FD, the simple truth is you can’t stop her. If someone feels the need to invite trouble by lying, then it is an invitation that trouble will always accept. My lovely Grandad used to say, ‘There is no defence against a liar’. If she feels the need to lie and create trouble, and it is affecting your life, then you have a choice to make, my lovely. Also, if she is not accepting responsibility for the upset her actions are causing, then it is not your responsibility to fix it or her behaviour. I was blessed to spend some of my teenage years around a wise Afrikaner lady. She used to say ‘You have a magic circle around you and your loved ones. If anyone puts a toe inside your magic circle and causes trouble, they are out. No matter who they are.’ Do what feels balanced for you, FD. Hugs. X
Please feel free to send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org and we wish you all a lovely week to come.
Tim & Jane. X